On May, 8th, I woke up relieved that my Encinitas
pet sitting gig was over and that Red and I would be staying with my cousin in
Ocean Beach for a few days. I was extending my trip a few days to hear when my
grandmother’s funeral would be and planned on driving up to Northern California
to be with my family. It had been a sad weekend, my amazing Grandmother passed
away and I had been recalling my memories of her. The morning I learned of her
passing I also received a message that Marc and Suzanne’s sweet dog, Milo had
passed away. Milo was just a big bundle of love and I loved when I got to spend
time with him and his parents. It was an emotional weekend.
When I started to move around, Red rolled closer to give me
his morning kisses, we loved each other up as usual then he followed me to the
edge of the bed wobbling a bit. I set him on the carpet so we could get going.
He lost his balance and fell over, he crashed into the wall. I immediately tried
to help, he fell over again, he couldn’t stand or walk on his own. I tried to
stay calm but I couldn’t help but think that he was dying.
I know that sounds extreme but his sister, Sue, woke up like
this almost exactly two years ago… she couldn’t walk, her back legs gave out. Ever
since she was a puppy she had trouble with her back legs giving out when she
was fatigued, but never first thing in the morning. I took her outside to help
her potty, she couldn’t stand, I checked her gums and they were white, I
carried her back into the house and searched frantically for an emergency vet.
I quickly realized that it was too late, she was dying. I held her and told her
it was okay, I told her I loved her, I tried to stay calm and comfort her as
she slipped away. We were in California at the time, Red and I drove 12 hours
back to Flagstaff with our sweet little Sue.
So when Red woke up wobbling around, I thought he was dying,
I couldn’t help it. Luckily there was a veterinarian next door but they
wouldn’t be open for another 30 minutes. I called my vet in Flagstaff and told
him what was going on, he thought it sounded more like a nerve, spine thing,
maybe a herniated disc, maybe a tumor related to the tumors he had removed in
January. I was somewhat relieved and waited in front of the veterinarian’s office
until it opened up. The vet did some tests on Red and his diagnosis matched
what our veterinarian had said. He recommended I stick around and give him
laser treatments for a few days. I decided to stay in Encinitas so he could
receive the treatments and follow ups.
He was prescribed 6 weeks of cage rest, muscle relaxers and
an anti inflammatory pain killer. I was super careful with him, I had to hold
him up to potty, to eat, to drink and make sure he wouldn’t get up on his own and
fall over. When he would fall over, he would roll around uncontrollably almost
as if he were having a seizure, banging his head and body into the floor. It
was heartbreaking to see him like this. Our friends and family were so helpful,
giving Red energy healing treatments, lending us a pack n play to keep him safe
when I couldn’t hold him, a baby stroller to take him outside when he was ready
for more action and so much love and support.
I felt an enormous amount of guilt. Should I take him home? Did
I push him too hard the past few weeks? Did he play too hard with the pups we
were pet sitting? Do I really want to put him through another 9 hour drive for
Grandma’s funeral, then another 12 hours back to AZ? Red has been my love for
over 14 years, he is my child. I knew my family would understand if I didn’t
show up.
After a few days of treatments, there was a slight
improvement in the range of motion in his neck. He still couldn’t walk on his
own, his muscles were tight, he seemed so dizzy, he could hardly stand, I had
to start hand feeding him. I knew we had to get home, check in with our vet,
see our acupuncture vet and look into a CT scan or MRI.
On Friday we drove home, he had his little head on my lap
for almost the entire trip. When we got home he perked up a bit, he was so
happy to see Frank and the cats. By Saturday he was having a hard time sleeping
through the night, he would get up every 1-2 hours and fuss for an hour or so, we’d
take him out to potty, carry him around, hold and try to soothe him. The drugs
seemed to be losing their effect on him and he would toss and turn more
violently, it was hard to keep hold of him and he wanted to dart off the bed
and walk but he couldn’t walk on his own.
After visiting our vet on Monday we gave him Dramamine to
help with the dizziness and took the information for the specialists in Phoenix
where we could get the MRI. We took him in to our acupuncture vet the following
day and she immediately diagnosed him with Vestibular Disease, which really made
a lot of sense at the time. It didn’t change the treatment or the drugs and the
MRI was still recommended to find the root of the problem, again a Brain tumor
was possible but rare. She asked if we were able to provide the constant care
he would need and we said yes. We decided to continue to nurse him at home,
come back the next week for an acupuncture treatment and a follow up to see if
he improved or if we needed to take him to Phoenix for a MRI.
He still had a voracious appetite but started wanting less
water. I cook his food so I just added water to his meals and made a broth to
supplement. Sometimes he would show signs of improvement, he would wag his tail
when I talked to him, still kept an eye on me when he was awake, wanted cuddles,
treats and massages.
On Friday, Frank and I were getting ready to take him
outside in the harness Frank made to help him stand up, his little legs were
strong again and he would stand with support. I had this feeling that if I
helped straighten and support his head tilt, maybe he could lean into it and
maybe balance more without the harness. We tried it and he was suddenly
walking! No dizziness! He was wagging his tail and walking so fast I could
hardly keep up. He didn’t want to stop but we knew he would wear himself out if
we didn’t stop him, “he is a Jack Russell” we joked. We were so excited.
A few hours later my friend, Janie checked on us. I gave her
the most recent diagnosis and she recommended looking into a technique that is
used on humans for vertigo, since that’s basically what we thought was going
on. I tried the technique on him, he was resistant at first but it helped calm
and relax him, he would go right to sleep. When he would wake up we would
correct the head tilt and he would walk without side support, still wobbly but
looking strong and happy.
We both had moments of crying, thinking that maybe he was
dying, maybe it is a tumor but we were hopeful that it really was just idiopathic
vestibular disease and he would eventually get back to normal. It can take
weeks, sometimes months for dogs to come back from Vestibular disease. We were
ready to keep helping him as long as he needed. I asked for a sedative to help
him sleep through the night so we tried it, he slept for 3 hours, thrashed
around until we gave him another. I thought even just a little more rest would
help.
On Saturday his energy level was lower than usual, he still
wanted to walk and would tolerate the dog version of the epley maneuver, though
he started to fight it a bit more. He seemed to be pressing his head into my
chest and arms more and more. He was pressing his head into the soft corners of
the play pen too, we thought it helped with the dizziness, but also wondered if
it was a tumor or head pain. He stopped eating food from my hands, his jaw was
too tight to open much, I thought maybe it was too much walking, his jaw might
be tight from the head pressing and maybe his violent fits of thrashing were
taking a toll on him. He began to groan a bit at times and it just killed us.
We blended his food and started feeding it to him with a syringe.
I was worried he had too much activity on Friday, too much
excitement and the valium probably worked him over too. He still ate and
welcomed love and attention, we took turns holding him, soothing him, walking
him around in our arms, when he was tired enough to sleep, we would put him in
the play pen to rest. The acupuncture
vet’s office called to check up on him. I told them there were signs of
improvement but that today he seemed super tired, had to eat/drink out of the
syringe, etc… They said to bring him in if he seemed to get worse, otherwise we
would see them on Tuesday. We gave him the same minimum dosage of valium
Saturday night with the same results but I didn’t want to increase it just yet.
On Sunday I mostly had Red to myself again. He had even less
energy, I tried the epley maneuver a couple of times in the morning during his
spells but he groaned and by the second try, I decided to stop. It didn’t seem
to help anymore and made him more stressed. He continued to press his head into
me and the pen, it seemed to help calm him. He wanted to walk but his legs were
tired and his balance wasn’t there like it had been on Friday. He ate a lot
more than he did on Saturday, that made me feel hopeful.
I told Frank that I didn’t want to let him thrash around
outside of the play pen anymore. When he thrashed in our arms or on the bed, he
would get resistance from us because we didn’t want him to dive off the bed or
the couch and flop around uncontrollably, he would fight with us, it was like a
wrestling match and he is a strong pup. The pen was padded with pillows and
blankets and gave no resistance when he wanted to turn or move around so I
thought that it would be better.
We agreed we would hold him for a little while and if he
relaxed then great, if he fought for too long, we would hold him/supervise him
in the pen so he wouldn’t keep wearing himself out.
I had to get ready to teach yoga so Frank took over. I didn’t
want to leave, I had only left Red with Frank once on Saturday and that was to
teach class. I had a feeling I should stay home but there wasn’t time to ask
for a sub. When I left the house Frank was on the couch, holding Red in his
arms. Red was pressing his head into Frank’s arms, his eyes were covered with a
blanket because it seemed to help. I left for the studio.
When yoga practice is over, we chant a closing mantra and
when I chanted the line, “lokah samastah sukhino bhavantu”
(which in part translates “may all beings everywhere be happy and free
from suffering”), I saw my little guy and my heart ached with so much love for
my baby, I wanted that for him. I wanted him to be happy and free from suffering.
When I asked everyone to lay down and take rest, I decided
to play the Hanuman Chalisa for Red. I usually don’t play music in class but I
thought this would be a good time, just for my baby boy. When I picked up my
phone to find it, I saw that I had two missed calls and a voicemail from Frank.
My heart sank. I walked out of the room and listened to Frank’s message. Red
had passed away in his arms, in his sleep. Frank didn’t know he had died. He
tried to resuscitate him but he had left his body. I could hardly keep it
together, I asked Candace to close class for me, but then I couldn’t move, I
couldn’t believe it, I didn’t want to believe it. I went to sit and decided to
close the class. I started crying and I couldn’t stop. I apologized and told
everyone why and after that I just remember hugs and love and driving home. On
the drive I called Frank, I couldn’t understand him and I’m sure he couldn’t
understand me, we were crying so hard. When I got home, he was still holding
him. We cried and cried. We took turns holding him and talking to him.
I wanted to be there for Red when he passed, we were always
together, always. I am so sad I wasn’t there. I told Frank that I had prayed
and prayed that when it was time for Red to leave his body that at least one of
us would be there holding him, soothing him, loving him. I was lucky enough to
be there for Sue and for Chunks when they passed. I think Red chose to go in
Frank’s arms, he died peacefully in his sleep, surrounded by love, I am
thankful for that. I am so grateful that Frank was there for him, holding him,
loving him. I have never felt love like the love I have shared with Red and
Sue, it’s as close to unconditional love as I think I can get. My world feels
so empty and quiet right now, my heart hurts. I trust that Red is now happy and
free from suffering and playing with Sue and Chunks. I love you Red, thank you
for being my friend, my love, my teacher, my confidant. I miss you, my handsome
little guy.
